Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Late at night when all the world is sleeping

Wow, it takes a lot of time and energy to start up and run a business, even a tiny one-woman operation like mine.  Granted, I enjoy it and want to put a lot of time into it so it has inched its way up my list of priorities.

I need to update this blog, though, since it is the only way I will remember anything about Millie's infant years.  Well, I might remember things but not the minute details or when exactly she hit milestones or stopped nursing.

Yeah, she stopped wanting to nurse.  I've given myself a good kick in the proverbial pants about it and have taken many a ride on the Guilt Trip Express.  While it makes me a little sad that I'm no longer the one providing her sole nourishment, it also eases some stress that inevitably would come when it was time for her to eat.  She would NOT nurse during the day unless, and I'm not kidding, we were in a dark room with no noises and no one else but us. I did that for a while but she would be hungry right after nursing so I'd have to give her a bottle anyway.  From the time she was a newborn she would break the latch constantly for no reason that I could ever figure out except perhaps a short attention span. She had trouble gaining weight in the beginning because my milk didn't come in for 5 days. Maybe that's where all the trouble began, I don't know.  Starting at around 5-6 months we would only use formula to supplement at night before she went to bed since, if we didn't, she would scream after being laid down because she was still hungry. Pretty soon after 6 or 7 months we started giving her a bottle in the middle of the night, too, since she wasn't ever satisfied with just breastfeeding.  I always thought I would nurse my baby until she was a year old - maybe even past that at bedtime. Maybe I'm crazy but it's never been all fireworks and stars for me as some women say it is for them - and as much as I tried to make it be such a deep bonding experience - it wasn't.  Formula is expensive, and it's not an expense our family had budgeted so that part really stinks, too.  I feel like I short-changed my daughter because, deep down, I feel like I could have kept going somehow. Maybe pumped more, taken Fenugreek more regularly (and ignored clogged ducts and headaches it seemed to give me), and really been vigilant at it. But, she doesn't WANT to, so I feel like I shouldn't make her.  And, in the end, mama and baby are less stressed and fully nourished.  The impact of not nursing anymore is just starting to hit me and, I'm not sure why, but I want to cry.  Okay...this might be harder than I thought.  Amelia's fine.  She won't be stupid or obese as an adult because she's on formula now.  You won't be criticized or thought of as a sub par mom because of this.  Your family actually won't go broke by adding an additional $100/month to the budgeted expenses.  Everybody is fine!  You think moms who nurse have these thoughts?  Nope!  I never want to hear a mom who breastfeeds tell me that they feel criticized for the decision to nurse their baby.  I would take the criticism and judgment for that any day.

Completely not a tangent I planned on taking.

Things happening, in bullets.
-  Amelia dances.  Started doing it last weekend, rocking out to "La Cucaracha" from her music table.

-  If she's in a talkative mood, she'll usually say "Hi" when prompted as of last weekend.

-  For some odd reason, she pulls her hair while she drinks a bottle.  I can actually see her scalp raising with each pull.  I figure some day she'll realize she's the one inflicting pain and she'll stop.
-  For the past couple of weeks, a 10 hour stretch of sleep at night is not uncommon.  Last night she slept 12 hours.  Tonight, she was a pill to put to sleep and didn't fall asleep until 11pm.

-  Naps have been generally only twice a day and 40 minutes to an hour long each.  Today, however, she slept for an hour and a half and two hours, respectively.

-  Our daughter is a daredevil.  She tries to dive off of our bed, which is why one of us has her by the ankle at all times when she's up there.  She loves riding on Daddy's shoulders and swinging in his arms.  He also throws her into the air and she laughs like crazy.

-  Her second tooth (the other bottom one) broke through last Friday.

-  She has discovered where the dog sleeps (in our bedroom closet...that's where she likes to sleep!) and now crawls back there on her own, sits at the door of the closet, and laughs at Tess.

Everything goes in her mouth.  She loves finding the smallest fuzzy on the floor and trying to pick it up with her forefinger and thumb then shoving it into her mouth.  This doesn't really bode well for my bow-making business.  I have to keep every little scrap of ribbon picked up off the floor at all times or she'll find it.  Already we've had to dig 2 pieces of 3/8" ribbon (about 1/2" long each) out of her mouth.  She's quick about it, too.  We only notice that it looks like she's chewing on something and that justifies a finger sweep of her mouth.

I have pictures and video but will have to post them later.  Our computers run on a network which is based on our PC in the bedroom.  When it's shut down or asleep, I can't access our pictures which are kept on that computer.  And, at 1:30am I dare not go in there and wake up the PC because I'm sure David would wake up, too.  And that's just inconsiderate.
Coming soon...

- A baby food making blog
- Pictures, pictures, and a video or two
- Our trip to the local photography studio for Amelia's 8 month pictures

By the way, if I reach 175 fans on Facebook I'm going to do a BIG giveaway.  So, tell your friends & family to become a fan of Millie's Bows!  http://www.facebook.com/milliesbows

Happy Tuesday,

4 comments commented:

Melissa M said...

You did great nursing Amelia. Sarah refused to latch at 9 months and for the 2 months prior to that was supplemented with formula because I was not producing sufficiently. Rachel, however, didn't give up the boob until 15 months. Each child is different. Each mom is different. And in the end, you and she are happy and healthy. I understand the tears and questions in your head. I had them too.

Regarding formula, Sarah did great with the Kirkland brand from Costco and it was SO much cheaper. Don't know if you've tried it, but if you haven't, you should.

You are a great mommy with a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.

Megan said...

It's funny how there can be so much anguish over what we feed our children but I feel your pain too. I'm exclusively pumping but as I feel my days are numbered (slowing running out of milk + approaching her 1st bday), I'm very nervous as to what her alternative will be as she seems to not tolerate other kinds of milk. Just this morning, in fact, she threw up a mixture of BM + Goat milk. :-\ I was hoping that'd be our fix as she seems to not do well with certain milk products (yogurt, formula, etc.) Guess we're back to square one again. It's tough, isn't it?
I know you gave it your best shot though.

Mainly a midwife said...

Don't worry about the nursing thing. It's completely out of your hands. It's very common for babies to just go on strike like that. And she is healthy..and you are a great mom!

Sarah said...


Don't beat yourself up over the nursing/formula thing. You did your best, and ultimately Amelia made the decision for both of you. She is still getting the nourishment she needs, and you gave her the best start possible! You are a wonderful mommy!